Have you ever wanted something so bad, the more you want it the more it seems further away from you? That Is how I feel about being in a relationship.
I’m tired of my friends telling me, “Don’t worry, it will come when you’re not looking for it.” I just dunno how that’s supposed to work. Why would I wanna be intentionally blindsided by a relationship? Shouldn’t I be prepared so I can actually be aware when it’s about happening? Or am I just yarning grade A dust? I really dunno sef.
It’s been 4 years and some months since I last had a serious relationship which, if I’m being honest, was a sham of a relationship which I dragged on for at least a year or so. Then it took me 3 years to finally get over that relationship, another one year to ‘find myself’, and now I’m just sick of it all.
I think it’s harder on a lady when she is single and over 30. Not because she’s got menopause just chilling around the corner, but because she is wiser and knows exactly what she wants so she is quick to dismiss ‘fuck boys’ before they even let their breathe settle soon as they utter a “Hi”. I can sniff out a guy’s bullshit soon as he walks through the room. This narrows it down to the married ones, the gays and the unborn ones. Lol. I just mean that my chances are very slim when it comes to me finding a man.
I recently tried online dating because I thought that would give me a wider selection. Boy, was I wrong! Every guy online just wants to hook up. What am I, a fish? Mehn, after 2 months of tryna stomach that crap, I deleted my account. Now, it doesn’t help that of late I have become some sort of hermit. I stay indoors at least 6 days in a week. Maybe I’m lucky that I get to work from home, but I think I may have over indulged myself in this my career-my home-sometimes church circle.
No, I’m not desperate to date. If I was, I won’t be single na. I just miss that intimacy that comes with being in a relationship. Yes, I have friends, but they can’t always be there for me emotionally. Even I can’t be there for them always like that. I mean, is it a bad thing that I desire, no, crave this type of intimacy? The type that is a mix of having a lover, bestie, sounding board, mentor, prayer partner, dream builder and shoulder to lean on all wrapped in one? Or am I just a dreamer who needs a hot slap from reality because I may never actually have this? I really really dunno…
The worst part is that none of my friends, both male and female, ever wanna fix me up. They always assume that I would somewhat ‘corrupt’ whomever they introduce me to, or that I’m way to crazy or something. Sucks that y’all think that way of me though…seriously sucks. But I get it, I know I sometimes come off a lil too man-ish, mouthy, smart, edgy…I know. But that’s not all I am to you, is it? I’m not even gonna talk about the guys who only see me as ‘sleep-able with’ but nothing more. (Lol. Someone needs to buy me a dictionary, I keep making up words here!).
What I’m tryna say with all this long story is that I miss having someone to love and call mine. And I am so tired of being single.