#DearDairy | Where Did The Trust Go?

Growing up, I was one of those people who knew a lot of people but never had a close or best friend. Yes, I am way too friendly for my own good most times, but I still hold back when it comes to letting people in. My dad used to call me a loner ’cause there were days he would visit me back in boarding school and I’d always be alone. I can’t remember ever introducing a particular girl to my folks as my very good friend. This went on even till my early university days. And it didn’t help that I always changed schools like a skinny tampon. (I attended 3 primary schools, 4 high schools and 3 universities. Story for another time.) 

Not like I didn’t have some female friends I liked, it’s just that I never let myself get too close to any of them, just close enough to call them friends. Then I entered LASU Anthony Campus.

I remember the day I wrote the entrance exam, I sat by this petite pretty young girl who let me cheat off her government test (hated that course, yuck!). We became fast friends after that day and within a month we were inseparable. We were so in sync that if I was about calling her she would be dialling my number too. Our telepathy was genius. We were sister soulmates. She was my first ever “bestie”. Well, our ‘bestieness’ only lasted 7 years, then she moved on from me to other things.

When this friendship ended, not in a fight or anything, I felt like I was experiencing a sort of heartbreak. She left without any explanation. It took me a while to get over this. This is because I don’t trust people easily, but I trusted her with everything…EVERYTHING. She had even become family. Oh well, guess she was my bestie but I wasn’t hers.

Since then I’ve found it even harder to get close to females. Some have tried to ‘bestie’ me to their own disappointment because I start to move away soon as they utter that word. I even physically cringe just hearing it. I hate that I’ve become this person, but I’m more scared that someone else might just do me worse. That’s why if I have a fallout with any of my female friends I just stay away afterwards. Defence mechanism? Maybe. At least I’ve always been great at being a loner.

This makes me wonder though, would I ever learn to totally let go and let someone into my life? Would I ever be that close to another human again? Or am I always just gonna be weary of my friends and keep tiptoeing around our friendship waiting for the other shoe to drop? Hmm….I honestly dunno.

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