#DearDairy | I Don’t Have My Shit Together!

It’s funny how when people see me, or my social media updates, they totally assume that I’ve got my shit together… I hate to disappoint you, but I don’t! In fact, just like everyone else, I’m still tryna find my way in life. 

The past year has been such a downer. I have had one of my worst bouts of depression in a long time of late. It didn’t help that some people around me were bent on frustrating the living hell outta me. So, I did what I know best, I stayed away. Crawled back in my crab shell and wished for the sands of the sea to bury me so no one would see me.

But, you see, that’s hard to do when your light shines so bright. No hiding place for you. So, I had to face my problems head on and find some type of temporary solution – I turned to the bottom of the bottle for help. Yes, I know I’m a publicly acclaimed lover of alcohol especially vodka. Well, just like the seasons turn, people change.

I spent most of late last year, and early this year suppressing my depression by maintaining a certain form of high just so I could interact with people and survive each day. In doing so, I built an even higher tolerance of alcohol so much that I started drinking almost every hour of every day. I was a mess! Whereas, everyone thought I was having the time of my life because I was always so cheerful and ready to turn up. Lol! Little did they know that I was trying to run away from reality and live in the mind Utopia I had strongly built.

But you see, that is where I played myself. Life was just watching me in a corner and yimu-ing at me, waiting for the right time to unleash the mother of all fuck ups on me. It finally happened in April. Life bitch slapped me so hard, I had a serious awakening that in its own way has changed me. Still, I don’t have my shit together. I do have something better – a spiritual awakening!

In early April, I fell ill with malaria (after a non-malaria streak of like 15years plus), and it slowed me down a lot. A lot of things I used to like started irritating me. Thankfully, I got better in no time. So I thought I could resume my bottle duties. Boy, was I wrong! I had the worst alcohol poisoning ever. In fact, I didn’t need a prophet to tell me it was time to finally let go of vodka and his friends. I was sad at first, but after 2 weeks of total sobriety, I started to discover a side of me I thought I’d lost forever….a side that helps me shine even brighter than I already did. And with it, I also started finding inner peace.

No, I still don’t have my shit together, but I’m on the journey to doing that. It also helps that the word of God helps light my path to this discovery of self uplifting. My dark moods seem to reduce more with each day, and for me now every day is one I look forward to because I can’t wait to see what it holds for me. This ever evolving new side of me has helped greatly with my friendships, with my work and with my relationship with God. Even though I’m still somewhat single (don’t even ask me to explain this because I’m not sure I can! Lol!), I’m learning to be the woman I’d wanna end up with if I was a man and I’m loving the results so far. Only side effect so far is that I’m more unfiltered with my feelings. So, if I call it as it is with no remorse, well I ain’t sorry :).

So, yes, I’m still a mess but I’m a mess that’s getting cleaned up daily. Soon enough I’d be whole again and would try not to deny the world of my total awesomeness! 😀

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