#DearDiary | Two Poles And I

For a long time, all I did was exist. But now, I’m living too.

Hi, my name is Olaoluwasunbo Olundegun, but everyone calls me Bigma. In January I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder ll (hypo mania).

My big sis encouraged me to write about it since I’ve always used my writing as a form of therapy when I was dealing with depression. So I’m gonna try this out and see if it helps.

I know a lot of y’all reading this have questions. As time goes on I’d answer the ones I do have answers to.

No, I ain’t looking for sympathy or tryna get some kinda attention. All I’m doing is finding a way, besides using meds, to cope with the bipolar.

I haven’t figured out all the kinks yet. I certainly haven’t totally let it all settle in because I go about daily with my usual self and then I start wondering if I was misdiagnosed only to have a very hyper day for no reason and then it all starts to make sense.

Luckily I can still function properly with day to day activities and I somewhat try to have a handle of things. Certain urges still need taming but so far I think I’m doing a pretty good job.

By the way, I hate my meds. I hate them! But, I’ve found my own little way to cope with it all.

I’d try and document what I observe in this new phase of my life. A lot of things are different now but I’m still the same awesome sumborri y’all know and (somewhat) love.

I gotta say, writing this did make me feel a hella good. Maybe it just might help, time will tell. Oh, and don’t expect me to write all the time o! I am open to your thoughts, suggestions and even prayers. But please keep any negative bullshit far away from me. I’m quick to cuss a nigga out if I sense any negativity whatsoever.

So, yeah, I think that’s all for now…

Advertisements

#DearDiary | Depression (poem)

Pillows soaked with my anguish

Thoughts racing around my head, so rapid

Can’t slow it down

Won’t stop it now

The sun is out but I’m cloudy all over

Future looking bright, yet I’m feeling rather somber

I didn’t lose anything

So why so much pain?

Insomnia rages on

Getting worse by the month

Too scared to sleep

Cos I’m afraid I’d have to dream

I go about daily on autopilot

Barely living yet not hurt

This leaves me very confused

The state of my mind unused

Maybe I’d get a knife and end it

Maybe I’d reconsider for a minute

Head still hurting from the many voices

I need to know if I have other choices.

-Ajike.

#DearDiary | This Sucks… 

I think life is truly specially unfair to specific people. And one of those people is me. 

All I’ve ever wished for, since my ex ruined what used to be a beating heart, is for someone who would see me for me and love me regardless. See ehn, I have way too much love in me to give, I just need to know I won’t be giving it to the wrong person. 

I know I have ranted on this blog (and my other private one) about how I got through hurt and blabla when it comes to matters of the heart, but this is me pouring out my true hurt on this page. I heard sharing heals so lemme try this shit out. 

If you’ve been keeping up with me you’d know that I haven’t dated seriously since 2012. And if you didn’t know, now you do. Being that I’m a sexually active adult, sex has never been a problem. And getting attached to someone has been a difficult thing because fear. Also I haven’t met anyone I felt secure enough with to let my guard fully down. Well, not until recently. 

I met someone who met every non-physical requirement I want, no, NEED my man to have. What are they? Nothing outrageous oh. I’ve always wanted a man who respects women, who is black on the outside but white in his mindset (I see y’all judging me 😏), a man who would make me feel so special that I’d start to doubt if I’m really all that. I want a man who loves all my damn curves, folds, stretch marks and edges. Someone who knows that underneath the madness there is a calm rational thinking woman. Someone who makes me laugh when my eyes are heavy with tears. You know, that kinda shit and more. 

Then I met someone and let’s just say I saw these qualities and more, and I totally got carried away. So much so that I didn’t even know when my guard was down and the tunnel to my soul was lit. (Shakespeare ain’t got shit on me right?😄). And for a brief second I let myself believe I could actually have all I wanted and more, but….. it was all a gaddem dream. I was awake oh, but I was daydreaming. I met a man with everything I ever wanted, but he wasn’t mine. 

Sucks right? Well, that’s life for you. One minute you think your prayers have been answered, the next minute you realize that God took you from “Easy Mode” to “Extremely Difficult Mode”. (This is worse than fighting that huge giant that has a midget on its back in Mortal Kombat). So yeah, life ain’t always gonna be fair and somehow I’ve gotten so used to never getting what I want that I just shrug and move.

I’m not writing this so y’all can feel sorry for me oh. I’m just trying out this new form of therapy in hopes that I don’t sink into some kinda worse habit later on. Honestly though, I won’t be making any conscious moves towards meeting anyone or falling in love. Unless the persons name is Ego and I’m falling into a truck load of it. (I’m talking about money, not man. Money 💰). 

I think my therapy session is over jare. We’ve already established that my love life sucks, no need to rub it in with your cruel snide comments (I’m talking to you, Kemi 😒). 

#DearDiary | Holiday Blues

Another holiday gone and I’m still all alone. I wasn’t feeling this way at the beginning of this month oh, but when you keep seeing happy couples everywhere that shit messes with you. 

My walled up heart has been cracked small ni sha. I can hear the soft beating of a heart I thought had turned ice cold. That shit is melting. And I blame you happy lot. Me that I was jejely enjoying my single status, then 1 wedding, 2 weddings, family holiday photos and plenty other nonsense started appearing all over my social media-sphere. Got me “ooh-ing” and “aww-ing” for no good reason. 

Now I’ve got the holiday blues, wishing I had a man to spend it with. We’d cuddle to stay warm from this dusty cold harmattan. We’d drink wine and eat fried chicken by the TV, while gisting and ignoring how bad the state of the economy is in for hours. We’d lay in bed catching our breath after the second round ‘cos we know the night is still young. We’d go around town nauseating people with our PDA… You know, that kinda love thing. 

The good thing about having the holiday blues is that with the right amount of alcohol and sleep combined, those blues would finally morph into a hangover which would in turn get your mind busy with thoughts like “I feel like I’m dying. Water, I need water. Bloody hangover!” And in all the getting hydrated and shit, you forget why you started drinking in the first place. 😂 

So don’t feel sorry for me for having the blues, be more worried about my damn liver. Anyways, my friends are waiting on me to get off the toilet so they can take me out and get this funk all gone. Hopefully I wouldn’t run into plenty happy couples this time. Can 2018 come already? So I can start the year on that “new year new me” bullshit mantra while I fake it till I believe it. 

Happy holidays y’all. 😘

​#DearDiary | What I’m Leaving In 2017 

New year resolutions aren’t my thing. I never get past 2pm on new years day before I break all said resolutions so I’ve decided that instead of writing what I plan to do next year I’d rather write what I intend on leaving behind this year.

Work Related

This year I really put my back into it and took both calculated and noncalculated risks work wise. I’ve also been taken for granted by certain people I decided to do favours for. Just a week ago someone had the nerve to even call me a swindler! 😁 So I’ve decided that the first thing I’d love to leave behind this year is doing favours for ungrateful people. If you want any of my services best believe I’d be charging you for it. I’ve paid my fucking dues and kept my name from getting soiled. In order for us to avoid stories that touch, let’s just respect our individual hustles.  Besides, I gat bills to pay cos no sugar daddy in these zones hunnay! Get👏that👏shit👏right👏.

Relationship Related

Ok, let’s be honest here, 5 years is a long time to be this single. I’m definitely leaving my singledom in this year. Not saying I’m gonna start dating the minute January 1st hits oh. I’m just saying I’d TRY to actively give this relationship thing a go. I also need y’all niggas to leave this “I think I like you but honestly I just wanna fuck you” attitude in 2017. If y’all just wanna fuck, say so. Don’t be using emotional blackmail to try and get laid. Y’all need to stop that bullshit or at least take it far from me yo.

Family/Friends Related

I love my family. We dysfunctional as fuck but the love is genuine and true. Same with my friends. But I really wasn’t there for my family this past year and I feel bad about it. So I need to leave that nonchalant attitude behind. Need to make out more time for family. I hope I keep to this though. 

I think I’ve done a good job of putting a lotta things in order this past year so I don’t really have much I’d be leaving behind though. There are some bad habits I’d also like to leave he behind but the flesh is sooooo damn weak. 😂🙈

Well, let’s make this 2018 worth it (or insert something more cliché in here). ✌

#DearDiary | What I Feel About Sex 

I don’t expect y’all to agree with everything I say so please note that this is MY opinion, and if you find anything you agree with then I might just be right. Either ways, read and enjoy (learn a thing or two too).

***********

-How long is too long?

Seriously, sex isn’t a sport or some kind of marathon. No one gives you a prize or award for fucking for 4 hours! This is especially for the men who got their basic sex education from PornHub. No woman wants to be screwed continuously for an hour straight. Just because they call it “laying your pipe” don’t mean you should take it literally. I think the ideal amount of time spent on penetration should be 15-20 mins. Now, if the person you’re about to fuck has already requested for a long penetration session, then that’s a different case. In general, I think a larger amount of time should be spent on foreplay.

-Oral sex should be reciprocated often.

I’m a huge HUGE advocate for oral sex. I mean both giving and receiving. I think it’s a more fun option to just regular penetration. It also helps that there are so many ways to spice up an oral session. Could be by infusing food or candy or dessert in the mix. Oral sex has a wide range of satisfactory elements to it, especially when executed well. For the ladies who are with men who love head but dunno how to give, I shall be holding classes soon. It is only right that I pass on my knowledge to you. 😏

-Did y’all talk about what you like in bed tho?

Before having sex with whoever, y’all need to talk about everything. From what you like in bed to how long or slow or fast or short you like it. Especially in this day and age of ass eating and what not, y’all need to talk that shit out. You can’t just assume a guy likes to be fingered in the ass just because he has a nice round butt. Communication before penetration is an obligation. 

-Size does matter.

When I say size, I’m not talking about what the man is working with as per dickage (dick package). I’m referring to the width and depth of a woman’s vagina. You men don’t take that into consideration before penetration. Use your fingers first to find out how wide or tight it is down there before you break her cervix. This would help you know if you’re gonna start off by slowly penetrating her or just what position to engage in so as to get maximum satisfaction  (especially if she’s wide or you have a small dick). Ass size matters too. Not every ass is built for doggy.

-Always keep the privates up to code.

Same way no man likes a woman with a stinky vagina, no woman likes a man with sweaty mothy balls. All privates should be kept clean and well groomed. It’s your temple dammit! Keep that shit a 100%.

-Foreplay means more play.

How do you expect a car with no engine oil or fuel in it to start or take you on a long journey? Foreplay is the fuel to having great sex. Now, for each person, foreplay is always different. So you have to find what works for your partner. It’s not only women that enjoy foreplay oh, even the men do too. A little nibble on his earlobe, a little tongue play on his nipple, even a little teasing of the cap of his dick with your mouth would go a long way. The koko is that, effort for foreplay goes both ways. Grease them engines and enjoy the ride.

-Sex is to be enjoyed.

It’s not a punishment or a by force sumtin. So if you are going to have sex, the least you can do is make it memorable and fun. Enjoy every bit of it. If you know that you always feel guilty or somehow after having sex, maybe you shouldn’t be having it then. There’s no point having sex if the end game isn’t pleasure all round.

In all this sex and fun having, please do remember to always use a condom and play safe. Oh, and have plenty plenty orgasms! 😊

#DearDiary | Susie’s Sexcapades 

The busiest time of the year for photographers is always towards the end of the year, especially all those quick end of year weddings just so they can say they got married before the year ended. So you can imagine how busy the last couple of weeks have been. I haven’t even been able to get some since Maleek’s party. I was horny as fuck, but I had a wedding to cover. So I decided to play dress up for this one. 

The wedding was a very intimate one. Not more than 50 guests, it looked more like a dinner party than a wedding. The bride’s brother, although wickedly handsome, wasn’t the one stealing the show besides the couple. It was his date everyone couldn’t stop looking at. Even I couldn’t stop looking. She was tall, had one of those hourglass figures with an apple bottom booty. Her dance moves were glorious to watch. She had sort of a sultry smile on when she dancing. I think I was so horny because the more I looked at her, the more I thought about eating her pussy. I shook my head soon as the thought crossed my mind. I went back to looking at the bride’s brother. He was so tall, so dark, so damn handsome! I felt my pussy quiver hungrily as I looked at him. How am I gonna get him away from that figure 8 date of his? I was still thinking about this when the bride’s sister came to tell me the party was moving to a lounge nearby and that she wanted me there too.

******************

I was sitting at the bar nursing a rather tepid looking glass of whiskey with my index finger making an absent minded circle round the rim of the glass. I saw “figure 8” walking towards the bar, I didn’t even know my eyes followed her all the way till she caught me staring and flashed me that sultry smile. Damn! I’m too horny for all this. She leaned over the bar to place her order then turned to me afterwards and said “You’re Susie right?” She continued without even waiting for my reply, “My sister was the one who recommended you to Wale’s sister. I can see why she liked you”. She practically assessed me as she said that. Is my horny mind playing tricks on me, or is she hitting on me? I tried not to get too excited. I smiled back at her and said “Your sister?”

“Yeah. Anyway, I’m Bisi. I noticed you had your eyes on Wale and honestly I was kinda jealous.” For a minute I was slightly worried because I thought I was about to get my ass whooped till she said “Why look at him when you can have all of this?” Then she went full watts with that smile. My eyes must have been about to pop out my head because she burst out laughing hard. I laughed too. Then she put her hand on mine and started making slow circles round my hand just as had been doing to my glass, and said “I could even sweeten the pot.”

“How?” I asked

“With Wale” She replied. 

Was she implying what I’m oh so hoping she is?

“You want a threescore?”

She leaned forward seductively and said, “Well, I want to eat your fat pussy out first, but yes that too”.

At this point I was definitely dripping wet. She took my by the hand and led me to the door. We got to her car and Wale was already sitting in the drivers seat. He smiled when he saw me and said “I was hoping you were attracted to us as we were to you”.

I laughed in amusement at how crazy the night was about to be.

It was a short drive to their place, well it was Bisi’s place. For some reason the place looked vaguely familiar but I couldn’t place it. Even the palour looked like I had been there before. I started to rack my brain to see maybe I had fucked Wale before or something. I drew up blanks so I discarded the thought. Bisi ushered me into her room, the minute we entered she held my face and kissed me. Her lips were so soft. Her breathe was minty with a hint of whiskey, she tasted so good. Her hands caressed my boobs while my hands found their way to her ample butt, giving them a slow squeeze each. We managed to find our way to the bed while taking off our clothes at the same time. I made her lay on her back, and spread her legs. I don’t know why but I was hungry to taste her down there too. I got on the bed and knelt in front of her, looked at her and smiled as I lowered my head down to taste her visible wetness. I could hear her moans and feel her buck each time I sucked hard on her clit or stuck my tongue deep in her pussy. I was so engrossed in the meal I was having that I didn’t notice Wale had joined us in the room. He raised my ass from behind and also started giving me head too. I moaned into Bisi’s pussy which made her go even crazier. I could sense she was about to cum so I increase my tongue pressure on her clit as I sucked on it. She came loudly. I didn’t stop eating her, I just kept going as each wave of her orgasm ran through her body. I was beginning to get close to mine when Wale leaned forward and said, “Not yet baby.” and he proceeded to take his pants off, revealing a very nice looking dick. He put the cap close to my pussy hole but didn’t enter for like 5 seconds, teasing my quivering pussy. Then he slowly pushed it in till the whole length disappeared into me. He fucked me, I sucked her. By some freak luck, both Bisi and I came at the same time, Wale followed like a minute later. We all collapsed in a pile of sweaty bodies trying to catch our breaths. I knew this was just the beginning of the fun, and I was so ready.

******************

I woke up with Bisi cuddled up to me, she had a hand cupping my right boob. I smiled as I remembered how crazy the night had been. I felt a little bit patched so I carefully stood up from the bed, trying not to wake either of them. Soon as I opened the fridge to get a bottle of water, I heard a door open. I was wondering who else was here as I took a gulp of water. Then I saw who and spat the water out in surprise. It was Sade.