#DearDiary | I Cut Myself, And I Liked It

Earlier this year I promised to always write as a form of therapy in coping with my bipolar disorder, but I don’t think I’ve kept well to that promise.
For some reason (and with the help of God) I have been coping alright until recently. I have a strong support system of amazing friends who always make sure I don’t get worse when I have an episode. My flatmate/bestie knows all the signs so she’s always prepared to ensure I don’t go over the edge. But this week was different.
This week that just went by was the worst week I’ve had in a long time. And it came with the worst bipolar episode yet. To make things worse, I’ve been all alone at home all week too. Not a safe or good combination for someone with an overactive mind like mine.
My pillows know what my tears taste like by now because that’s all they’ve had since Monday. Because I’m home by myself, my friends take turns daily to call me and check up on me just so I won’t do anything stupid. Well, it worked until yesterday…
Yesterday, I took a sharp object and I cut myself….intentionally. I bled for almost 15mins, and I was oddly calm through out. I knew it was wrong to do but I just wanted to feel some other type of pain, different from the one I’d felt all week long.
I was so sure after being told I had BPD that I’d never be one of those who cut themselves. Well, I never thought I’d have such s hellish week either. I think something inside me finally broke, and now I don’t think I have the strength I once strongly relied on. All I do at night is cry to God to help me through the pain. So far, I don’t think he’s heard me yet.
That’s why I decided to write about it. I’ve learnt that when you address something painful it kinda takes away it’s power. I’m writing because I don’t want to keep cutting. I’m scared I’d do something worse so this here is my way of talking myself out of any futuristic stupidity.
I was so sure I could handle this, that I was strong enough to brave the disorder. Now I’m just scared. I’m scared no one would truly understand how bad it gets sometimes, or how not to toy with my emotions. I’m scared that my friends would eventually get tired and start to avoid me. I’m scared people would start to treat me like a ticking time bomb. I’m scared that the life I once knew as “normal” may not exist anymore… Still yet, I’m also hopeful.
Gotta end this here because my eyes are blurry from another round of unshed tears. Sigh! It’s gonna be a long weekend. 😔

#DearDiary | Ladies, Have Sex On The First Date.

Yes, have sex on the first date – if you want. I’d tell you why in a few.
I have come to realise that a lot of ladies fight their natural desires when it comes to sex. They shy away from obeying their body’s wants and needs. Some may call it “having self control”. Sure, no doubt. Ain’t nothing wrong in holding back if you want. I mean, it’s not every guy who wants to fuck you that you want either. I’m talking to the women who are vibing with a dude and he’s vibing back. The ones who right from the start felt a stirring in their loins towards a certain dude. This is for you…
Why exactly are you holding back from going after what you want? Is it because society tags such women as sluts, cheap, hoes? Or do you think holding off on sex would let him stay longer and like you more?
Here’s the honest truth no one really wants to tell you – whether you sleep with a guy on the first date or 90 days after, if he doesn’t like you then there’s nothing withholding sex can do. A guy would either stay after the sex because he wants to, not because the sex was good. I have seen cases where the babe holds out on sex yet after they finally knack the dude bails on them, and I have also seen cases where they have sex on the first date and even end up married months or years after.
I know that most Nigerian guys would first act like they are really into you at the beginning. They do that just so that can ease you into wanting the sex too, when in reality they just want sex. Don’t get carried away by their damn script yo! If you feeling the dude and you wanna get down, do you boo. But, please, do with sense, biko. So, instead of denying yourself some amazing orgasm(s), why not just embrace your inner sex goddess and get you some good dicking down – if that’s what you really want.
NOTE – having sex with a guy on the first date in hopes of tying him down is the simple most dumbest thing to do. Don’t do that. Be the smart woman I’m hoping you are. Have sex for YOU.
PS – I’d be having my first live sex talk seminar the first week of June. Stay tuned for details. It’s gonna be lit! #EmbraceYourOrgasm.

#DearDiary | Susie’s Sexcapades

I was having one of those very slow weekends… No photography gigs, all past jobs already editted, no available booty call. I had tried reaching Ore for a rematch but he was out of town on some business. So I called my weed guy to hook me up with something strong so I could spend the weekend high and relaxed, since being horny and getting none wasn’t helping.

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#DearDiary | Susie’s Sexcapades

I woke up around 4:15am to pee, rolled over and saw a strand of my hair attachment laying right next to me. I smiled as I walked to the toilet, filled with the memories of last night. As I peed, I still tingled a little from post orgasm, and let out a soft laugh. Ore sure knew how to get me, and keep me wet…
After dealing with a heavy bout of pneumonia, all thanks to the harmattan period last December, I had a dip in my libido. I tried everything to get it back up, kush, aphrodisiacs, ointments, spa massages… I even got a new 12-speed dildo, but nothing seemed to get me in the mood. My doctor told me the meds I had used were messing with my hormones. So, yeah, I needed to get it back.
I was half way through editing some wedding photos when my phone started ringing. At first I didn’t notice because it was on silent. I picked up the phone but the call ended before I could pick it. I saw 6 missed calls. And all from Ore. For a minute I was wondering if he was in danger or something. This was past 7pm. I was still lost in thoughts when he called again. This time I picked after the second ring. Before I could say ‘hello’, I heard him saying drunkenly,
“Are you still avoiding my calls?”
I laughed real hard. He had been trying to reach me for weeks but I avoided his calls because my libido was way to low, and I sure as hell wasn’t trying to spend time with him if we weren’t fucking.
“No, I’m not.” I was still laughing. “Where are you?” he asked. “Home. Working.”
“OK, I’m coming over. We’d work together.” he said with a slur. I was laughing while trying to tell him not to come but he cut the call while I was mid sentence. I shook my head and went back to editing.
20 minutes later, I heard a playful tap on my door. I just knew it had to be Ore.
“Wow!” he said as I opened the door. I was wearing a loose tank top over a sports bra and very short shorts. My braids were in a messy bun.
“You must be really drunk if you think I look appealing right now.” I smirked, turned and walked back to my laptop to continue working. A few seconds later I felt his breath close to my ears as he tried to whisper “So, what are we working on?” I tried to push him away. “I’m busy jare. Carry your walaha somewhere else.” He laughed hard because my feigned angry tone wasn’t convincing enough. He was back by my ear in no time. “You know you’ve missed me.” his tone was so cocky. “No, I’ve…!” I couldn’t continue my statement because he’s tongue was slowly teasing my earlobe. As he nibbled slowly on it, I felt a slight twitch down there. I couldn’t believe it. Was I getting…..wet??? I tried to ‘fake’ push him away again, and this time he caught my hands in a firm grip. I turned to look at his face and all I could see in his eyes was a burning desire to devour me. Oh yes, I could hear my kitty cat purring down there.
He leaned in to kiss me. I could feel the hunger as he sucked on my lower lip, then upper…it was like he was drinking from my soul. I let out a moan of pleasure. His hands reached for the elastic band on my shorts, pulling it down slowly. Thank God I shaved two days ago. He stopped the shorts half way, then slid a finger slowly down and didn’t stop till he felt my wetness. I couldn’t help but moan again. He then slid his finger into my moist hole. Slid in another then worked it in and out. I couldn’t hold in the pleasure sounds, I threw my head back as I spread my legs wider. He lowered his head, used his teeth to finish pulling down my shorts, looked me in eyes and then slowly went down on me. The minute his tongue connected with my clit, I thought I’d explode. It sent a thousand pleasure signals all over my body. Oh, how I’ve missed this!
I was getting close to an orgasm when he said, “No, not yet. I’ve got a friend who would like to play with your kitty cat.” pointing at his very obvious erection. I tried to catch my breath while he took off his clothes. I looked up at him as he stood at the edge of the bed. His erection was so beautiful. I’ve missed this dick! That was my last thought as I took it in my mouth slowly, pausing to tease the cap before deep throating it. He let out a grunt-like moan and I smiled. He was enjoying it as much as I was. Then he took a bunch of my braided hair and pulled it as I went up and down a little bit faster. I was lost in the joy of sucking his dick when he stopped me, leaned down to kiss me as he slowly pushed me into the bed. As I laid down with him on top of me, kissing hungrily away, I spread my legs beneath to accommodate his torso. He didn’t leave my lips as he slowly entered into my warm enclave. I kissed hard against his lips. His strokes were slow but calculated. Each stroke increased the pleasure. He picked up the pace a bit as he lifted my legs over his shoulders. I felt him inside, all of him. It felt good. He then whispered authoritatively “Turn over.” I was on all fours in a heartbeat. Before he slid in again, he spanked me hard. My pussy twitched hard. I was still tingling from that when he slid it all in and paused for a few seconds before giving me the ride of my life. Half way through him pounding me from behind, he grabbed a bunch of my braids again and pulled it as he rode. The mixture of pleasure and pain had me cumming hard, and it went on for like 10secs. Each wavy of orgasm seemed to pick up as one ended. I was just coming down from my high when he grabbed my hips, digging his nails in my sides as he came loud and hard. As we both tried catching our breath, we started laughing at how intense that was.
I stood up to go clean up and Ore followed me into the bathroom. We were both taking turns under the shower when the soap slipped out of my hand and I bent over to pick it. While I was struggling with catching the soap, as it kept slipping from my hand, I felt Ore’s hands hold my sides.
“What do you think you’re doing?” I asked, laughing. He said, “Shh… Kitty wants it.” as he slid back in, slowly. I had to hold the sink for balance as he fucked me well and hard. This time we came together. We managed to get ourselves clean finally. Soon as we exited the bathroom and we were toweling off our bodies, I pushed him into a sitting position on the bed. I knelt over him on the bed, kissed him while gyrating my backside slowly until my hole connected with his pole. Then I started to ride him….. We didn’t stop fucking till 1am. We drained each other of our juices. We were tapped out, and we both passed out naked, sweaty but very very satisfied.

#DearDiary | Friends With Benefits – Rules Of Engagement

So I recently asked if friends could still stay friends even after sex, and the answer is yes. But there are rules that apply for such to be possible. Now, I know how hard it is to get into a relationship, and some of us need the regular servicing so contemplating getting a FWB (friend with benefits) is something that is sure to come up. Here’s your guide to getting and keeping one yet skipping all the drama that usually comes with it.

Rule 1 – When choosing a FWB make sure it’s someone you can be totally honest with. It also helps if the person is mature in mind (age has nothing to do with it). Honesty is key because you both can know if/when to pull the plug if things start getting a little complicated.

Rule 2 – If the friend is someone you just casually know, don’t try to get to know the person during time spent together. It’s just sex, have the sex and be going. No lunch dates, no cuddling, no “tell me how your day was” type shit. Just fuck and go. The minute unnecessary attention enters, the other party might feel you have caught feelings and let their guard down thinking it might lead somewhere. Stop leading people on under the pretext of ‘being polite’. This is for the men especially. Seriously, just fuck and go. (Exception to the rule here – unless you genuinely start liking the person and it’s mutual, no try am!).

Rule 3 – Always choose a less intimate setting when meeting up to have sex. If you have to clean up your space and put a thousand scented candles just for a FWB then you’re not serious. It’s like you want to choke on all that smoke in the name of catching feelings ba?! No unnecessary serenren plix. It’s just sex. Do it on a pile of clothes for all I care. Just don’t put way too much effort into presentation (well, unless you wanna shave a landing strip down your privates so they know you mean business).

Rule 4 – Always say thank you afterwards. I know this may sound weird, but it’s the polite thing to do. If the sex was good, always show appreciation vocally. Let each other know that the individual party was well satisfied. Now, if the sex wasn’t all that. Still say thanks but let the person know that it might just be a one time thing seeing as the major reason for a FWB is so multiple sex can be had at random times. Say thanks and move on. No use tryna teach someone how to sex you right if you ain’t tryna catch feelings.

Rule 5 – ALWAYS choose a partner who can be discreet. This is very important. Most times when it’s a FWB situation, you don’t want the whole world knowing y’all are shagging because you still wanna be able to meet the love of your life. Can’t have your FWB ruining your chances just because the sex is so damn good. So keep it on the low-low. In the famous words of Kranium, “nobody afi know say me a you are fuck, nobody afi know say you a give it up…”.

Ultimate Rule – DO NOT HAVE A FWB YOU KNOW ALREADY HAS FEELINGS FOR YOU! That just cruel and selfish. Pick someone you know only sees you as a sex tool or someone that in no way is your spec, either physically or mentally. That way attachments can’t be formed. The minute you choose a FWB that could potentially be bae then you better be ready to enter relationship mode when things switch up.

I know in some rare situations FWB sometimes becomes the real thing. If that happens then congratulations. But don’t go into it thinking that would happen. That’s the worst self setup ever. The way it would backfire would shock you like a fallen live NEPA wire during a rainstorm. Don’t do it.

If you do disagree with my rules, do let me know which ones but be prepared to have a counter argument too.

Peace, Love and Chicken Wings!

#DearDiary | Two Poles And I

For a long time, all I did was exist. But now, I’m living too.

Hi, my name is Olaoluwasunbo Olundegun, but everyone calls me Bigma. In January I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder ll (hypo mania).

My big sis encouraged me to write about it since I’ve always used my writing as a form of therapy when I was dealing with depression. So I’m gonna try this out and see if it helps.

I know a lot of y’all reading this have questions. As time goes on I’d answer the ones I do have answers to.

No, I ain’t looking for sympathy or tryna get some kinda attention. All I’m doing is finding a way, besides using meds, to cope with the bipolar.

I haven’t figured out all the kinks yet. I certainly haven’t totally let it all settle in because I go about daily with my usual self and then I start wondering if I was misdiagnosed only to have a very hyper day for no reason and then it all starts to make sense.

Luckily I can still function properly with day to day activities and I somewhat try to have a handle of things. Certain urges still need taming but so far I think I’m doing a pretty good job.

By the way, I hate my meds. I hate them! But, I’ve found my own little way to cope with it all.

I’d try and document what I observe in this new phase of my life. A lot of things are different now but I’m still the same awesome sumborri y’all know and (somewhat) love.

I gotta say, writing this did make me feel a hella good. Maybe it just might help, time will tell. Oh, and don’t expect me to write all the time o! I am open to your thoughts, suggestions and even prayers. But please keep any negative bullshit far away from me. I’m quick to cuss a nigga out if I sense any negativity whatsoever.

So, yeah, I think that’s all for now…